Humor Writing, New Cliches for the 21st Century, zuckerisms

Positive Feedback

My books have been up on Amazon for a while now, but we’re doing some new promotions for Medical Humor at its Best . It’s now available in paperback AND as an audiobook. Plus the Kindle version is only $.99!

zuckerman-new-cover

For less than a dollar, you can get hundreds of witticisms, insights, and life advice that’s only a little tongue-in-cheek. The book is getting a lot of 4 & 5 star reviews these days, so it’s definitely worth the low price. Here’s what some other people are saying:

Andrei: “Creatively written and mind-stimulating, this book challenges readers to go deep into their thoughts and analyze each word, saying, quotes, and thoughts the the writer has presented in this book. Creative writing is at its finest, the poetic approach of this book is just beyond amazing.”

Wylie A.: “A few years ago I began jotting down phrases that people said and the context in which they used them. It amazes me how many cliches and idioms we use daily without really thinking about where they originated, or in some cases, what the expressions actually mean. I was certainly not disappointed. So much work and research went into this book that it is difficult to even fathom. I would highly recommend this book to anyone interested in the development of our language and the many ways that we sprinkle our speech with metaphors.”

Bryan: “I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect with this one, but I’m very glad I took the leap of faith. This book made me laugh, it made me think, it gave me inspiration, and it entertained me from beginning to end. There was never a dull moment from the moment I started reading.”

Aleksa: “I had fun reading this book… I think that we need books like one in order to lighten up when the burdens of the world seem to be heavier everyday. There were so many pages that actually made me laugh.”

Get your copy now!

Humor Writing, Memoir, Personal Essays

Universal Recognition Symbol

A year ago, I wrote about the Universal Recognition Symbol – something I learned when I was staying in the Truk Islands. It’s an easy and instant way for people to say: “I see you, I recognize you, I acknowledge you.”

To see exactly what I’m talking about, here’s a video of my family doing the Universal Recognition Symbol:

Humor Writing, New Cliches for the 21st Century, zuckerisms

Some Longer Zuckerisms

I often tweet my zuckerisms, but as I’ve said before, sometimes they’re just a little too long for 40 characters. So today I’ve rounded up a few longer ones that I’d like to share with you:

To cure my son’s lackadaisical attitude, I took him to a compulsive-obsessive clinic for treatment.

I figured that if they could cure the disease, maybe they knew how to cause it.

*

The Ten Lost Tribes

There are now 347 contenders vying to be officially named one of the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel.

Actually, the rumor that Ten Lost Tribes ever existed was a Jewish plot to make other groups question their roots.

There never were any Lost Tribes.

*

When my girlfriend asked me what my relatives in Florida thought of her, I said:

‘They almost always think highly of others because they think so little of themselves.’

Her response was: ‘How nice.’

*

When I was two and a half years old, my mother let go while teaching me to swim in the ocean.

After that, there was nothing to rebel against.

Humor Writing, Memoir, New Cliches for the 21st Century, Personal Essays, zuckerisms

The Problem IS the Solution

A few longer zuckerisms from “The Problem IS the Solution” section of New Cliches:

* In the 1980s, the great threat to the airlines was cheap long distance calling. The airlines have since recovered, thanks to the torturous ‘on-hold’ button.

* I once ran into a patient with severe malingeritis. He required two years off work to allow the situation to resolve itself.

Parallels:

Artists use negative space as a powerful force to define the object of a painting. The greater the negative space,
the more striking the definition.

In music, the pause, or the absence of sound, parallels the negative space in art and intensifies the sound’s effect.

The ‘silent treatment’ in marriage also parallels this concept. What can one do in the absence of response but eventually look at oneself ?

Thus, I credit my ex-wife (who is an artist) with being my mistress of negative space. Without her, I never would have discovered myself.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out the book! Only $3.99 on Amazon. 

New Cliches for the 21st Century, Personal Essays, zuckerisms

On Life and Death

Some musings on these infinite subjects:

Truth Floats

Humankind is the ultimate judge of the worth of its leaders.

Common thieves looted and destroyed the tombs of the Pharaohs, who posed as gods, and now their words are long forgotten. Only empty tombs remain.

Not so for the words of Buddha, Laotse, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed, Aristotle, Plato, Shakespeare, Mozart, Leonardo da Vinci, and so many others. Their works have grown and flourished over time.

Famous false prophets inevitably end up as footnotes in the March of History, their efforts diminishing with the test of years. Only the works of those who bear the burden of truth survive and deepen with time.

***

Nowadays, we live as though the world will never end and we’ll never die.

But Nature puts time limits on our lifespans so that we will get on with the game.

***

Life is like a horse race— no matter how much you know about the horse, past races, or track conditions, the outcome is always in question.

But if you don’t bet, you’re not a player.

 

Doc What's Up?, Humor Writing

Longer Zuckerisms

I try to post at least one of my “zuckerisms” on my twitter every day, but 140 characters can sometimes be a bit limiting. Here are a few longer “zuckerisms” that don’t quite fit!

1. My father, who is 89 and diabetic, recently had risky surgery to remove his only leg. He’d lost his first leg for the same reason, gangrene from the lack of circulation—a typical problem among diabetics.

In order to comfort him before surgery, I told him that no matter how the operation went, he would not be leaving the hospital feet first.

2. When patients ask the perfectly legitimate question, “What are the side effects of this drug?” I’m sometimes uncontrollably tempted to play with their heads.

If I’m talking to a bald patient, I’ll tell him it’ll turn his hair green. If it’s to an elderly woman, I’ll tell her it will make her appear 30 years younger. And if my patient is a young man without a wife, I’ll tell him that it could make him irresistible to women.

3. A prophet must be permitted to sing his song simply because it gives him joy to do so— irrespective of whether people view his words as prophetic.

His song is G-d’s song, even if only a few find its melodies entrancing.

4. When I was six years old, and in the midst of one of my bawling tirades my mother said to me calmly, with no malice, “If you don’t like it here, you can leave. I’ll give you $10 to help you on your way.”

Nobody ever accused my mother of being overbearing!

5. The wealth produced by the new economy has strained society’s ability to produce extra-ordinary, unique, and expensive items for the excessively wealthy to spend their fortunes on.

I’ve heard that the going rate in Australia for the thrill of being attacked by a great white shark and living to tell the story is—$100,000.
For growing a clone for spare parts—$100,000,000. For a week’s excursion to the moon $1,000,000,000.

Don’t forget to check out my new Etsy shop where you can find truly unique scalloped ties!

New Cliches for the 21st Century, Personal Essays, zuckerisms

A Few Things

I wanted to share some quick snippets from New Cliches with all of you. They’re short and sweet, but a little longer than my usual zuckerisms. However, I think they deploy the same sardonic humor.

In other news, I have an entrepreneurial announcement to make soon, so stay tuned! Exciting things are happening behind the scenes.

My very short piece, titled Bargain Basement Sanity:

There has only been one psychotherapist I have respected because he guaranteed meaningful, measurable results from his therapy.

His bottom line was this:

‘Therapy will cost you $10,000 and one hour of your day, five days a week, for five years. In that time, your income will increase in direct proportion to how much better you will function. So, I can guarantee that, in the long run, my fees cost nothing.’ 

And another short piece for good measure! This one is called, Between Battles:

Paul was my favorite sparring partner in business, and I took great pleasure in poking at his weak points. So, when I called him to wish him Happy Hanukkah, naturally, he was suspicious.

‘What do you want from me now?’

‘Nothing—just to wish you a Happy Hanukkah.’

‘Bullshit. What are you trying to bug me about now?’

‘Maybe the biggest bug of all is not to bug you about anything.’

He chuckled. 

New Cliches for the 21st Century, zuckerisms

A Few Zuckerisms….

These are taken from the “On Idiot Savants” section in New Cliches for the 21st Century. Enjoy!

All of us are idiot savants. As such, we should pursue that which we are best suited for and avoid the areas in which we are idiots. 

Utopia will be achieved when most human beings get to express their true individuality most of the time. 

There are those who survive no matter what happens to them. Their secret is jumping from one frying pan into the next without getting licked by the fire. 

People may be stupid, but their brains aren’t. 

One true sign of genius is the ability to create things that any idiot could use. 

A definition of frustration: expecting a frog to fly. 

New Cliches for the 21st Century, What's Up?

Zuckerisms

I talk a lot about zuckerisms on my twitter and facebook, but since ‘zuckerism’ is an invented word, I thought it would be helpful to explain its meaning for new readers. Think of this as a mini-glossary, if you will.

A zuckerism, obviously derived from my own name, is a short & sweet aphoristic statement based on an observation I’ve made about the world. I also like to call these little phrases ‘mind bytes,’ or ‘new clichés,’ a title you may recognize from my first book. They are meant to be observational and inspirational. I suppose you could also make them recreational, though it might be difficult.

But of course the only real way to describe a zuckerism is through examples.

From New Clichés For the 21st Century

“The genius of a cane is that it gives unstable two-legged people a third leg to stand on.”

“Youth is wasted on the young because that’s where it’s supposed to be wasted.”

“It’s not necessarily crazy to hear voices in your head—it all depends

on how entertaining they are.”

“My mother’s favorite statement was, ‘Peace and quiet—six feet under.’”

 

From Doc, What’s Up?

 “My patients who are continually bothered by ear wax are told that we cannot solve the problem until we can eradicate the ear bee.”

“Throwing another mind at the problem won’t necessarily solve it.”

“When my patients need to reduce their stress, I prescribe:

—Take two years off from work. —Live in the Caribbean.
—Have a lot of sex.
—Drink a lot of rum and smoke cigars.

If they follow my advice, I promise I’ll even make house calls.”

Follow me on twitter to guarantee a daily dose of zuckerisms!