Humor Writing, New Cliches for the 21st Century, zuckerisms

Positive Feedback

My books have been up on Amazon for a while now, but we’re doing some new promotions for Medical Humor at its Best . It’s now available in paperback AND as an audiobook. Plus the Kindle version is only $.99!

zuckerman-new-cover

For less than a dollar, you can get hundreds of witticisms, insights, and life advice that’s only a little tongue-in-cheek. The book is getting a lot of 4 & 5 star reviews these days, so it’s definitely worth the low price. Here’s what some other people are saying:

Andrei: “Creatively written and mind-stimulating, this book challenges readers to go deep into their thoughts and analyze each word, saying, quotes, and thoughts the the writer has presented in this book. Creative writing is at its finest, the poetic approach of this book is just beyond amazing.”

Wylie A.: “A few years ago I began jotting down phrases that people said and the context in which they used them. It amazes me how many cliches and idioms we use daily without really thinking about where they originated, or in some cases, what the expressions actually mean. I was certainly not disappointed. So much work and research went into this book that it is difficult to even fathom. I would highly recommend this book to anyone interested in the development of our language and the many ways that we sprinkle our speech with metaphors.”

Bryan: “I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect with this one, but I’m very glad I took the leap of faith. This book made me laugh, it made me think, it gave me inspiration, and it entertained me from beginning to end. There was never a dull moment from the moment I started reading.”

Aleksa: “I had fun reading this book… I think that we need books like one in order to lighten up when the burdens of the world seem to be heavier everyday. There were so many pages that actually made me laugh.”

Get your copy now!

Humor Writing, Inventions, Memoir, Personal Essays, short story, zuckerisms

Dining Out

“How are you doing?” Our waitress smilingly greets us with the usual intro. I am ready. I am prepared to strike. I will not tolerate mindless gibberish.

“Good for my religion,” I calmly say. The waitress does a double take. She is caught off guard, expecting at most a grunted, “Okay.”

Hesitatingly she asks, “What did you say?”

“Good for my religion,” I repeat.

This time she gets it and it makes her uncomfortable. “Eh, that’s ok, uh…”

I switch to rescue mode. “I used to say good for my age, but that got old.” The heat’s off, the waitress’ posture shifts to relaxed, but her brain is on alert—she is engaged. She laughs. I tell her my response is an original. Next up, when someone asks me how I’m doing, I’ll say, “Good for my creed.”

My wife has to sit through this exchange. It’s not the first time, and I know she views it as waitress harassment. Worse, she is hostile to the repetition she has to bear: she has heard my spiel 1,000 times at least. I tell her once again that the waitress will now give us better service. I have made a stranger’s evening, personalized the server-servee relationship. Often, the truth is the opposite. The waitress, jarred out of her routinized server relationship, gets our orders all screwed up. To me that means ‘contact’ of one mind to another—I am gratified by the interpersonal exchange. To my wife, it means lousy service: pot roast instead of chicken pot pie, forgotten requests for champagne, bloody medium-rare instead of medium-well-done filet mignon. I’m the culprit in her mind, not the waitress.

Later, I pull off another challenge. “I’d like a diet coke with a slice of slime,” I say, emphasizing the slime. Jill, our waitress—we are now on familiar terms—does another double take, but clearly hears the word “slime.” She laughs and tells me she thinks that’s pretty funny.

I correct myself. “I mean lime.” Then I tell her why I said slime. “It’s not a mistake, I’m not dyslexic. In the past whenever I ordered lime, I’d mostly get knee-jerk lemon. When I ask for slime, I always get lime!” My wife gives me her standard derogatory non-verbal dirty look.

It’s hard to be a prophet in your own marriage.

Humor Writing, Personal Essays

The Baking Soda Acid Test

A tip about stomach acid from a friendly doctor:

Recently there has been described in the literature a simple, inexpensive and safe method for detection and quantification of stomach acid production. This tool should prove most valuable in diagnosing those with hyperacidity (too much stomach acid) and also the effectiveness of antacid treatments such as Tums and Rolaids.

The fundamental principal involved in the acid quantifying procedure involves well understood chemical interactions. Sodium Bicarbonate, Na2HCO3, also known as baking soda, dissolved in water, is ingested by the human subject to be tested. This leads to an almost instantaneous reaction of the dissolved sodium bicarbonate and stomach acid (hydrochloric acid or HCL). The results of this interaction produces water (H20), table salt (NaCl) and carbon dioxide (CO2). The carbon dioxide production leads to eructation (belching). The subject being tested eructates into a scored Zuckerman acid quantifying balloon. The amount of eructated CO2 in the balloon is roughly equivalent to the amount of acid in the subject’s stomach. The subject’s height, weight, sex, age, race have no proven effect on the accuracy of this simple inexpensive test that any person can perform on themselves once they have obtained a carton of baking soda and a scored Zuckerman acid balloon!

Note of caution – suppressing the desire to belch can lead to gastro-explosion, stomach rupture, and ensuing death!

Note – use of baking soda for diagnosis. The baking soda acid test can also be used to help diagnose chest pain. Immediate relief of chest pain symptoms, on ingestion of baking soda, indicates the pain was due to acid indigestion and not angina, heart pain. Many a visit to the emergency room has been avoided by the baking soda acid test.

Humor Writing, Memoir, Personal Essays

Universal Recognition Symbol

A year ago, I wrote about the Universal Recognition Symbol – something I learned when I was staying in the Truk Islands. It’s an easy and instant way for people to say: “I see you, I recognize you, I acknowledge you.”

To see exactly what I’m talking about, here’s a video of my family doing the Universal Recognition Symbol:

Doc What's Up?, Humor Writing, Inventions

Snore-No-More

As I’ve mentioned before, I have quite a few inventions sprinkled in the pages of Doc What’s Up?. The Snore-No-More is one of these, responsible for saving marriages everywhere.

SNORE-NO-MORE
Does sleeping in the doghouse get you down? Is your wife’s divorce lawyer claiming mental cruelty because you have snored incessantly for years when she does not snore at all?

Well, at last snorers are coming out! Out of the bedroom, out of the doghouse—into Dr. Zuckerman’s office to be cured!!

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“At first, I was skeptical,” says Joe Morphus of Snoozeville. “No doctor ever gave me any advice except ‘give your wife a set of golden ear plugs.’ I hadn’t spent the night in my wife’s or my girlfriend’s bed in years. I’d just show up for sex and then get kicked out.”

“Now I sleep when and where I want to, fearlessly. Sure, I’ve had a few relapses, but when that happens, it’s back to Dr. Zuckerman for a night of treatment and I’m snore-free for another 6-12 months.”

How Dr. Zuckerman’s Snore-No-More Works…

Following an intake interview, those who clearly are snoring sufferers are given an appointment to spend a night at the Snore-No-More (TM) Lab. There you are fitted with special inner ear amplifiers. A microphone is used to capture your snores so that they can either—be played back to you instantaneously amplified or—trigger the transmission of your personally most-feared sounds to the inner ear amplifiers, sounds like a grizzly bear attack, a car crash, or your tax attorney’s voice…

Built into the cost of a night at the Snore-No-More Lab is a CD recording of your snoring, taken during your night in our lab—so that you can hear, for yourself, just how bad you’ve snored and how effective the Snore-No- More treatment is.

The History of Snoring

I am a fellow snoring sufferer who has had numerous humiliating experiences like: having a string tied around my toe to wake me when I snore, being screamed at and poked into rude consciousness, exiled to the living room couch and threatened with involuntary surgery.

Sound familiar? I had to find some way to cure myself, but I also wanted to exonerate snoring as a loathsome, useless activity. I searched back into ancient times, all the way back to the cave and there, I pieced together the preservation function that snorers must have played in the survival of our species.

Man’s nature is to sleep at night—a time when most large predators hunt their prey. Thus, not only was man vulnerable while he slept, but he slept at the precise time that he was being hunted. No doubt, once fire was mastered, some poor insomniac (they too, served to save society) was forced to tend the nocturnal fire at the cave’s mouth. But what did man do before fire?

The perfect solution had to have been that the loudest, most obnoxious snorers slept at the cave’s entrance. No beast would doubt that his human prey was awake and in an ornery mood. Meanwhile, everyone else slept in blissful safety.

Therefore, the snorer played a critical role by allowing society to evolve beyond the need for his service.

But—is the snorer revered for his past efforts? How quickly we forget what others have done for us!

The cost of one night of guaranteed therapy in the Snore-No-More lab is a lot cheaper than a second bedroom or a divorce!

Humor Writing, New Cliches for the 21st Century, zuckerisms

Some Longer Zuckerisms

I often tweet my zuckerisms, but as I’ve said before, sometimes they’re just a little too long for 40 characters. So today I’ve rounded up a few longer ones that I’d like to share with you:

To cure my son’s lackadaisical attitude, I took him to a compulsive-obsessive clinic for treatment.

I figured that if they could cure the disease, maybe they knew how to cause it.

*

The Ten Lost Tribes

There are now 347 contenders vying to be officially named one of the Ten Lost Tribes of Israel.

Actually, the rumor that Ten Lost Tribes ever existed was a Jewish plot to make other groups question their roots.

There never were any Lost Tribes.

*

When my girlfriend asked me what my relatives in Florida thought of her, I said:

‘They almost always think highly of others because they think so little of themselves.’

Her response was: ‘How nice.’

*

When I was two and a half years old, my mother let go while teaching me to swim in the ocean.

After that, there was nothing to rebel against.

Humor Writing, Memoir, New Cliches for the 21st Century, Personal Essays, zuckerisms

The Problem IS the Solution

A few longer zuckerisms from “The Problem IS the Solution” section of New Cliches:

* In the 1980s, the great threat to the airlines was cheap long distance calling. The airlines have since recovered, thanks to the torturous ‘on-hold’ button.

* I once ran into a patient with severe malingeritis. He required two years off work to allow the situation to resolve itself.

Parallels:

Artists use negative space as a powerful force to define the object of a painting. The greater the negative space,
the more striking the definition.

In music, the pause, or the absence of sound, parallels the negative space in art and intensifies the sound’s effect.

The ‘silent treatment’ in marriage also parallels this concept. What can one do in the absence of response but eventually look at oneself ?

Thus, I credit my ex-wife (who is an artist) with being my mistress of negative space. Without her, I never would have discovered myself.

Like what you’ve read? Be sure to check out the book! Only $3.99 on Amazon. 

Doc What's Up?, Humor Writing, Personal Essays

The Golden Land

When the Vikings returned home from having discovered Iceland, they began seeking out volunteers to colonize the island. It soon became obvious that they had committed a marketing blunder. Even in a northern climate like Sweden, few people want- ed to immigrate to a place called Iceland.

They must have learned their lesson because they applied it on the next frozen wasteland they encountered. They named it, Greenland, and recruiting colonizers went much smoother.

Doctors and producers of consumer products for sen- iors such as DependsTM, walkers, canes, catheters, enema products, arthritis pills, joint replacements, wheel chairs, penile implants, hearing aids, etc., must have taken the Vikings’ lesson to heart. Instead of calling old age, The Tin Years, they named them The Golden Years, so people would want to go there.

Doc What's Up?, Humor Writing

Longer Zuckerisms

I try to post at least one of my “zuckerisms” on my twitter every day, but 140 characters can sometimes be a bit limiting. Here are a few longer “zuckerisms” that don’t quite fit!

1. My father, who is 89 and diabetic, recently had risky surgery to remove his only leg. He’d lost his first leg for the same reason, gangrene from the lack of circulation—a typical problem among diabetics.

In order to comfort him before surgery, I told him that no matter how the operation went, he would not be leaving the hospital feet first.

2. When patients ask the perfectly legitimate question, “What are the side effects of this drug?” I’m sometimes uncontrollably tempted to play with their heads.

If I’m talking to a bald patient, I’ll tell him it’ll turn his hair green. If it’s to an elderly woman, I’ll tell her it will make her appear 30 years younger. And if my patient is a young man without a wife, I’ll tell him that it could make him irresistible to women.

3. A prophet must be permitted to sing his song simply because it gives him joy to do so— irrespective of whether people view his words as prophetic.

His song is G-d’s song, even if only a few find its melodies entrancing.

4. When I was six years old, and in the midst of one of my bawling tirades my mother said to me calmly, with no malice, “If you don’t like it here, you can leave. I’ll give you $10 to help you on your way.”

Nobody ever accused my mother of being overbearing!

5. The wealth produced by the new economy has strained society’s ability to produce extra-ordinary, unique, and expensive items for the excessively wealthy to spend their fortunes on.

I’ve heard that the going rate in Australia for the thrill of being attacked by a great white shark and living to tell the story is—$100,000.
For growing a clone for spare parts—$100,000,000. For a week’s excursion to the moon $1,000,000,000.

Don’t forget to check out my new Etsy shop where you can find truly unique scalloped ties!

Doc What's Up?, Humor Writing, Inventions

Another Invention

As I mentioned in this post, my books are a blend of zuckerisms, short stories, personal anecdotes and inventions. Today I wanted to share another of those inventions with you. Introducing, The Florida Special:

The Florida Special (TM)

To most seniors, loss of the right to drive a car is equivalent to losing a leg. The automobile defines Independence in our society and in Florida wheels are even more critical to mobility because of distance. So, we invented the Florida SpecialTM to safely prolong the driving life of seniors by 5 to 10 years! By wedding available life-science technologies to the automobile, the resulting Florida Special represents a dramatic change in approach.

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Rather than drivers licensing boards, social workers and doctors all trying to find out reasons to limit driving by the elderly, the Florida Special is making positive strides to keep them on the road! The Florida Special will prove to be the hottest, must-have product for senior drivers since bifocals! In addition, their spouses and children will breathe a sigh of relief, for not only will it vastly prolong independent living for aging Americans, but it will also prevent the fatal depression that happens to nearly every elderly person when they lose their drivers license.

List of Features…

  1. Adjustable Prism Windshield—bends & magnifies light for shorties and the poor sighted
  2. Crash Recorder (black box)—a voice & instrument recorder for research on elderly drivers and their insurance claims
  3. 911 box with nitroglycerin pills included
  4. Wrap around air bumper
  5. One-inch thick steel chassis
  6. Arrhythmia Recorder and Defibrillator
  7. “Alter Kakher!” (old timer!) Warning on the license plate—like the “Babies On Board” concept
  8. The Backseat Driver Overhead Amplifier (nagging included):
    • Magnifies street sounds, horns, sirens, etc.
    • Reminds the driver every fifteen minutes where

      he is suppose to go and why.

  9. Critical Information Plate on the car’s fender to include:
    • Name and address
    • Hospital and doctor’s name
    • Medical conditions
    • Medications
    • Code status (DNR/DNI)
    • Autopsy or not, living will, donor status
    • HMO and car insurance companies
    • Lawyers name; last will file date
  10. Additional accessories available for customization